Teaching university accounting in a tuition centre is so much fun :)
What should I buy myself for my birthday?



To 17-18 year olds, I am that all-powerful magical potion which exhibits strong A-grade-procurement powers upon ingestion. (well at least I hope so). Just because I can draw benzene rings, write reaction mechanisms, and figure out how to make dy/dx =0? Just because I can type out essays on their iPads (hey that's a great invention cuz default laptop keyboards are really horrible- they don't autocorrect your haphazard ways of typing fast and furious should vocab stream out from your mind)? Just because I know the word " cornucopia"? Just because I said it's interchangeable with the other cliché word " plethora"?

But I do know for sure that I'm that huge clumsy particle barred from entering a partially permeable membrane (knowing how this works qualifies me only as a lower secondary science tutor, dear. not something to gloat over) with no access into the other mysterious side.

How do normal people know how to feel full after eating? Do they suddenly see flashes of aura visible only to them, indicating with beams of coloured light that their stomachs are full? Do they hear the twinkling of wind chimes in their heads when the stomach capacity is about to exceed? Do they see beyond the visible spectrum of light, or hear beyond the audible range of frequencies?

Person Y claims that she finished an entire jar of peanut butter and her tummy aches. She had to clutch at her belly cuz it ached. That only shows that she is perfectly capable of feeling full, of feeling stuffed, and of feeling uncomfortably stuffed. The one and only way you can feel "ache" from a full tummy is of course, to fill that your tummy in the first place. But how do you even know when it is full? What gauge do you rely on?

Person M ate a seven course dinner, and she is " so full that she cannot walk". wait, just hang on a second. how do you even reach that point of satiety when walking becomes impossible? How full do you have to get for that to occur? I don't get it. I might lie and pretend to, but I don't feel it. I'm sorry, I really cannot comprehend it from a concrete level, only an abstract one. Feeling full is already impossible, how do you even feel full to the extent that you cannot walk?

Person HP routinely demonstrates a clear understanding of satiety. She just " gets' the concept. She understands how to stop eating and clutch at her tummy. She eats only soya bean and a little plate of veggies. And she still survives. Wow. When I'm raving about how delicious the food is and attempting to dump all 3 plates down my gullet.

Person P is also aware of it. It is a natural mother tongue to her linguistic processing unit. She just effortlessly feels stuffed without even trying. Well at least I don't see her trying(?) All she has to do, guys, is to swallow three mouthfuls of porridge to be full. What, does she survive on solar power?

Guys, just because I bagged home an A for general paper does not preclude me from sheer ignorance. I honestly cannot understand how to feel full after eating. My tummy is such a big black hole that nonstop shovelling of nacho fillet o fish, tom yam pasta, chilli crab down cannot fill it up. It is a constant state of emptiness that perpetually drives me to eat 3 lunches a day. And each lunch is supersized and carbohydrate-laden or my tummy will growl like a marine animal audibly for all to hear.

Well of course I could be dishonest and lie to the whole world how 'full' I am. I could rely on logic to mechanically deduce that I SHOULD be full after eating one plate. I could pretend to be in the know of some deeply hidden secret, I could use the word "full" correctly like a perfect English scholar. I could abide by commonly accepted social conventions and purposely lie that I am " uncomfortably stuffed" after clearing 3 plates. I could refrain from ordering second and third plates at hawker centres. But isn't lying morally wrong? And why would I do that? It cannot cover up the fact that I am too dizzy from hunger to focus on anything?

Not as if I didn't try? Person P got to experience the wonders of satiety (to the extent of clutching her tummy) simply by following the porridge diet, so I gingerly followed suit one fine day during lunch. No? Porridge didn't serve any purpose in filling my tummy up? Its not even filling to say the least?

The clinical definition of a binge eater is eating beyond feeling full. I clearly do not fit into it. Because I don't even know what is feeling full. I have never been full before, let alone get uncomfortably stuffed till I cannot take another bite. I am forever eating mcDouble burgers and nacho fillet o fish burgers. If not those, then aglio oglio ( I eat about two plates of that for lunch, then perhaps another plate for my mid afternoon snack since I'd get famished in no time)

You tell me, what to do?


Hey I'm back wooohoooooooo ok I've quite a lot to be happy about; let me recite them in the form of s little bullet list...

  • Ok so doing China audit has exposed me to so many technical terms. Yay and I'm actually teaching all the financial statement items to my parents who have a newfound passion for financial analysis. Hence the immediate need to read financial statements. Yay to a new job of mime :D : D 
  • In a bizarre displacement reaction, I displaced the previous science tutor who couldn't establish a close rapport with her student. As an English tutor I can't believe I replaced the science one as well. So now twice a week XD that shows if you're a stronger reducing Sheng you get to kick out those weaker reducing agents. Yay. 
  • Wait why was I so incredibly happy? Hmmmmmmm maybe cuz I caught up with Jc Hwa Chong friends in CBD area? Yep ever so politically correct R. Working as a lawyer. 


the funny private tutor thinks in chinese today

在所有的置换反应中,总得有那么一个可怜巴巴的“观望者” (中文是这么翻译吗?),自始至终只是扮演一个花瓶的角色, 一动不动地坐在一旁冷眼旁观这一·切的变化。无论是被还原的金属离子,还是被氧化的金属, 至少他们都有一个共同点: 参与过反应。他们在电子的交换中参与过,无论是被氧化也好,还原也罢:好歹都知道什么是反应。 这可就一点都不像默默存在着的酸根离子: 反应之前坐在那儿不动; 反应完了还在那儿一动不动,这不是根本没有参与吗!到时候写离子方程式的时候,直接看见酸根离子丝毫没有改变,毫不犹豫的给划掉了。 在简化版的离子方程式中,你只能看见两个金属互相氧化还原的过程,丝毫见不着酸根离子半点儿存在价值。

可怜的酸根离子,只能作为置身局外的旁观者,却不能插足。只能观赏者绚丽多彩的一切,却自己无法参与。 化学反应本来应该是如此的缤纷多彩,但”无法参与“这四个字却导致了一片空白。

我特别忌讳,特别不希望,特别想逃脱的就是酸根离子“ 空白“ 这个概念。我一直都希望知道这一切究竟是怎么回事。

可是, 这些欢快地参与种种反应的活泼金属,似乎有个不可告人的小秘密,将深不可测的秘密暗暗地埋藏在阴暗处,害怕将其曝光在光天化日之下。为什么呢?还真不知道 。

某个年龄跟我差不多的女孩,无论是星期六还是星期天,行程表永远是塞得满满当当的。中午去老板家跟同事小聚,晚上又有夜店等场所等着跟朋友会面。 没有一丝一毫的间隔, 没有空去无聊,没有空去空虚。星期天的事情也挺多的:不是跟这个逛街购物,就是和那个出去庆祝生日。

于是, 当我处于好奇问了下怎么回事,为什么一直有事情做,为什么不用担心没事干,你猜她怎么回答的?

” 我也不知道呀,人家就是一直约我呀!这我怎么知道呀!“


这是回答吗?这是什么回答?我可不会这么文不对题的回答任何问题。 要是问我,我肯定老老实实的回答,” 我自己事先把学生都安排好,确保一个跟下一个之间没有空档,要是还有时间,那我可以找以前的同事或者同学出去呀,就这么简单。” 什么叫“ 我也不知道呀”???? 这是什么话,用来敷衍的,对吗?

可是,不仅是这位贵妇人以这种心态思考,这种心态的神人还真多。为什么是“神人”呢?因为他们似乎都知道一个我不知道的秘密。似乎有这么一个外语,他们不费吹灰之力就熟悉了语法,通用一切的成语及俗语,一眨眼功夫记住了海量的外语单词,都已经成他们的母语了。 可是他们的母语,对我而言就是外语,我得仔细去思考每一句话,研究没一句的措辞结构才结结巴巴的说出口。这,不是一个我耳熟能详的语言,是一个需要费劲脑筋明白的一门外语。不过, 似乎她们不认为这是外语,脑子想都不用想就说的那么流畅!!!!!

“疲劳”对我认识的人来说,就是一个母语。他们从小就深深地体会到这个所谓很容易理解的单词。他们有的是办法: 只要扫扫地,洗洗碗,擦擦桌子,就累的能睡着觉了。要不然,那就是: 只要晚上多看了几个小时的电视,那也拥有通往睡眠大地的通行证了。睡不着?他们怎么可能睡不着呢?一天到晚安排的大大小小活动足以填满他们的一天,准能睡着!

唯有我一个人,从小到大,一到晚上就是困惑不解的开端:为什么人家都睡得那么香,唯独我一个人不知道怎么睡得着呢?我尝试过,问。我的的确确问过那些睡眠不成问题的人: 你们统统都能睡得着, 这是为什么呀!你们用了什么先进的技术,进口的草药,帮助睡眠吗?



大家的口碑出奇的一致,就没有一个人敢站出来,说出来,分享出来。我,就这样活活被蒙蔽了超过二十年。每一天,我都观察到他们的所作所为:白天的时候,像个小蜜蜂一样的忙着忙那。。。。。 具体忙什么呢我一点都不知道!我真的不知道!真的!同样的班级,同样的科目,同样的老师, 同样的作业,我三下五除二就把作业做完了,所有正常的人齐刷刷的统一需要好几个小时完成。 (...??????)

我一直都观察到了这一点,好几年了,我每次一把作业做完心里本应高兴,可是却一点也高兴不起来,一点也笑不出来,为什么呢?我总觉得心里发毛,觉得有个无形的力量操控着我,99%的人需要数小时完成作业,那这是“正常”的,可我呢,肯定有一个地方跟其他人不一样,才导致了我不到一小时就完成了。我越想,就越觉得事有蹊跷,这里头肯定藏着肉眼看不到的猫腻!一次两次三次也不足以形成太大的问题,可这是什么, 你们看看!从初级学院开始我就注意到了事情明显的不对劲: 人家熬夜到凌晨才做完作业,我却不到一小时给做完了,这也太奇怪了吧??!?! 是的, 如果你们说多做作业就可以 累的迅速入睡,这里有我也心服口服了。可现在病因,不已经完完全全的展现在面前了吗?我压根儿没事干, 没事做,才导致精神头儿十足,无法入睡呀!

我早就注意到这里头隐藏着巨大无比的猫腻,我就坦白的列出几个实实在在的事情给你们看看! 我都不知道自己是不是有阴魂缠着!17,18 岁我们大家都有相同的作业,可是我只要一拿起笔和纸,几笔划数学作业就做完了。不就两页纸的作业吗!有什么做不完的!可事实证明, 我的思想完全就是错误的,我眼睁睁的盯着其他比较正常的人一路给拖到了傍晚才完成, 完成了还加上几句,“ 啊啊!好累呀!累死我了!” 我心里彻底不明白这一切怎么回事,才两页纸,随便做做也就做完了,怎么还有“做不完”的概念在里头?肯定是哪里,我的理解出现了本质上的错误,可知错误究竟在哪里,我浑然不知,我不是装糊涂,我是真真实实的不理解就在我眼前的一幕幕:他们也没比我得到更多的题目呀,凭什么他们可以有事做,而且还可以将整下午填满? 我做完作业又没事干了,自己找乐子去吧!

不只是数学,英文,物理, 化学一样的使我心中的困惑越来越深,至今无法解开:大家只要一天的作业超过3们科目,纷纷知道这件事应该很累。他们就是骨子里明白“累”, 他们就是有这么一个概念,什么叫“有很多事情做”? 于是,只要有一叠作业摆在眼前,他们个个得坐在书一天, 有的时候甚至一整夜,为何?因为他们统统说“ 作业太多, 做不完!” 我已经不止一次的惊叹他们的生活,每时每刻都有事情做,不像我,我眼睛看着一叠作业,拿起笔就马上做,不到半个小时就完成了呀!怎么回事?真的, 怎么回事?出了什么问题吗?

于是, 我自动自发的模仿者能睡着的人,他们每天干些什么,做些什么, 想些什么。 我心中打不开的谜团,就是:他们做的跟我一模一样,都是作业,都是一模一样的作业,可为什么人家一直连续不断都有事情做,独独我一眨眼功夫就做完了呢?这不像话!那我的任务完成了究竟该做什么好呀~

没有人认认真真地叫我怎样让自己累的迅速睡着,他们自顾自的宣称。“ 可我就是能睡着呀!睡着有啥大不了的!谁都会呀!” 好像他们的武功很高明,传授出有损自己的竞争力一样。






What matters to you?

X: what matters to you? what makes you happy? or are there none?
me: none.
X: okay, so does it give u a sense of accomplishment to see the compliments from your tutees?
me: yes it does but not along that line.
X: then along?
me: no, i mean, how do you plunge right into a deep deep pool of emotions? how do you feel life and love with more depth and intensity?
X: then what do you dread losing? if you like teaching your students, aren't those emotions? S******, if you crave emotions, then do it! do it! why don't you do what you want to do? why?


First you're hot then you're cold; you're yes then you're no

There ARE people who think I'm some kind of high-flier (which I might possibly be, but it all depends on who you're comparing with, right?) but there are glaringly obvious signs that I am not one, obviously.

Let's tackle this issue one assertion at a time.

Alright so I've been stopped in the middle of my tracks by unknown strangers who covet nothing more than some money in my bank account appearing in theirs, in the form of sales commission. Simplified version: They are after my money. They want me to sit down and purchase one savings plan (which they soon realize is redundant after all, because [see next para]:

sales agent X/Y/Z: miss, do you currently have any savings or endowment plans?
me: (unblinkingly recites) yeah I have two savings plans in total, so I need to sacrifice about 11K SGD worth of liquidity  a year. I dump about 11K a year into the two savings plans cuz I don't see why these money should be sitting idly in the banks and getting eaten up by inflation rates.

Okay, please watch the reactions unfold, one by one....

agent from AIA:  wow, you sure? Err.... that's a lot for someone so young like you....er...... good, good! what job do you do?

agent from prudential: my god, you really can save.. not many people are like you. You really save damn a lot eh!so I shall not sell you any more endowments, wah, you horh...save a lot.

agent from great eastern: What the (bites lips to prevent accidental eruption of expletive)!!!!!!!!!! why the (bites lip again , scrunches face) do you save so much?! you siao liao ah you!!!! now I hardly ever come across clients who save so much eh!

agent from UOB:  may I ask what you do? Like miss, do you even like watch movies? (yeah, online, free streaming) Do you like even go out? (so where are we now? at my home?) Do you er....eat? (my thunder thighs prove it all, sir)

Okay, let's get the facts right here, okay? I would admit that listening to these comments might give my ego an instant boost; I might really feel proud and good about myself due to external validation, but there is a catch. Is this even sustainable? Am I planting a dangerous yet insidious seed into my life which blossoms like a garden right now at this juncture,but carries the risk of mass destruction in the unforeseen future?

I am able to dump in so much annually simply because of my focus. Where your attention goes, energy flows, to quote an unknown source. Yes, I FOCUS on the growth of my bank account, and yeah that explains the rapid exponential growth.

But there is a catch: I did not take the right steps to ensure SUSTAINABILITY.

Mine cannot be sustained. It's as good as the brilliant fireworks you see during NDP; they shine like stars for a minute, but don't glow like the sun in perpetuity.

2011 summer break:
  • Yes, I managed to finish a grand total of 168 (what a lucky number!) HDB surveys within two months.
  • Yes, I did earn 1680 just from the surveys during my freshman year holidays.
  • But if you look at the opportunity costs, you'd realize why my idea wasn't THAT bright after all. What if I took the time to do a proper, solid internship (there are so many available on NBS careerfit, huh!) for 2.5 months? Then I would have a better chance at everything else later on, right?
  • I totaled around 2-3K in my earnings, while people with better foresight are busy doing internships for that measly pay. Because of my lack of Year one internship experience, I could not find a Year two winter internship.

2011 winter break:
While brighter peers are busy at their hot desks at YET ANOTHER STUNNING INTERNSHIP, here I am, hang out with friends, browsing random Wikipedia pages, youtube searching pop songs and latin hymns just for the fun of it. I continued riding on the weakly grounded belief that my internships would take care of themselves as if controlled by a superior force.

2012 spring:
  • While normal people are stressing and tearing their hair out over the compulsory internship placings, I failed to identify the significance of it all. Stupid, eh? Dumb, how dumb, how very very very very dumb!
  • Phase zero: While other people were huffing and puffing over self sourced internships, I was merrily indulging in the instant gratification of my tuition income.While normal undergrads battled at the rate of 1-2 internship interviews a day, I did not even bother.
  • Phase one: While people were lamenting their failure to secure one during phase zero, I was STILL BUSY TEACHING MY JC STUDENTS AND THINKING SUPER HIGHLY OF MYSELF. In fact, I was so arrogant that I did not even bother attaching a cover letter on my resume.
  • Phase two: While people were utilizing each and every brain cell filling in their options for PA, guess what? Me, the perpetually unstressed, was actually googling the locations and dreaming up exotic local travel itineraries. I based my decision for PA solely on how interesting the office locations looked. CBD? Too crowded. Tuas? Hmmm, sounds like great fun, alright let's travel to Tuas in the day and continue raking in the bucks using tuition on weekends!
  • Gosh, I feel like slapping myself and knocking some sense into my former self.
  • Phase three: NA. I was already merrily fantasizing about Tuas given my confirmed placing. Skipped this phase entirely.

2012 summer internship:

Got a reaaaaaaaaaaaaaally relaxing internship at Tuas, where I spent my time drafting policies and forms, and do mickey mouse style excel data analysis which I regret on hindsight. Spent the weekdays typing like a mad girl at the Tuas office, spent the weeknights having dinners with NBS people (who spoke in such fluent audit lingo that I felt extremely inferior), spent the weekends teaching more, more, and more JC students.

Still felt so arrogant and proud of myself.

Okay so while others are beginning what seems like a bright career at audit firms, investment banks, private equity boutiques, multinational giants (as management associates), consultancy firms, I am here appearing superficially wealthy, yet actually inferior.

I may or may not be able to maintain this competitive advantage consistently as a freelance private tutor. As a survey interviewer, and as a private tutor, I earn QUICK, but I don't have a solid, firm footing. This worries me a little, you know?

Here's a conversation between me and X,

X: S******, you want to set up your own tuition centre?

me: I not sure eh, just because I can teach doesn't mean I can set up a company. what if other centres are bigger and better and I cannot thrive in the competitive?

X: Then you don't want to set up centre then you go back do audit la!

me: DON'T WANT!!!!!!!!!!!!! audit damn no brainer one I tell you. All you do is to count the boxes, count finish box then count the CDs, count finish CDs then go and count the machine wrappers. You don't need a university degree to get there, I mean who on earth cannot count? Audit is either stock take or vouching, Vouching is just you go take one document from the file see if the numbers match. What kind of primary school computer game is this? So boring. Plus the pay is not as high as you think you know. You earn 2K a month counting how many boxes someone has. That .is. audit.

X(in a split second): no what, but ten years later you won't be auditing any more right? You'll move on into advisory? Then you can use all your intellect already what.
S******, you see right, if you teach now, you earn 30-40 an hour (nope I earn more, but never mind). Ten years later, you'll still earn 30-40 an hour. But audit is different. If you audit now, I'm sure your pay will increase more in ten years when you do advisory?
You cannot just think for this year, you must look further, say 10 years? 20 years?

So was I being smart, or was I in fact pretty dumb? Or was I pretty and dumb? (LOL)

Even though I can save 11K a year now, the auditors who are slogging and sort of lagging behind temporarily right now will look forward to saving 50K a year after 10 years (?) while I'd still be saving 11K a year.

Right? Is that it?

I mean, all agents wanna play on your emotions and make you feel proud of yourself just so they can push all the right  buttons and close the deal. You will always hear things you WANT to hear from the sweet-lipped agents but is what they say accurate in the first place?

I did not inflate my savings to hear a compliment. That was the truth but it can be interpreted in so many ways, from so many angles. Are you sure I am doing the right thing?

Yeah, I am just good at one thing: To seize immediate sources of pleasure. I can get savings plans for myself and my family under my name cuz I took CMFAS too? And yeah, I did get the CMFAS cash scholarship but that was not even sustainable? Because I don't rake in consistent sales? And I don't foresee myself generating a steady stream of income from that?

WHy aren't my parents happy with what I'm doing, how I'm thinking, and in general, ME? Why? Because they want me to take on an alternate pathway, the one that think is better in the long run!

No matter how unhappy I am with their perception of me, I must not launch into yet another massive war against them, because why? Why would you create so much conflict when there's no point at all? Will they even change their mind? They won't, and you will just hurt yourself in the process, so why even bother? If you disagree with what they say, ignore them. Back away, retreat, but don't do anything aggressive.

They don't see any brilliance in how much I'm saving.
They don't see any wonder in the number of students I have.
They don't see any point in what I am doing.
They see no hope except in an audit firm because what matters is PROGRESSION. (kind of like our national pledge, I just realized)
They see no point in me having friends, all they hope and pine for is a BOYFRIEND. But what can romance provide that simple platonic friendship can't? Both involve trust, companionship and loyalty? WHat can you get out of a relationship, that you can't from a friendship?

I don't get it, I am not smart (contrary to what smooth agents would like to say).

I don't even foresee any pleasure out of the watsons personal massagers selling like hotcakes across watsons? excuse me, I know how to use it, but so? What do you hope to get out of a massager?

I may be able to create JC content for my students. I may be able to do one survey after another. I may be able to save 11K by hook or by crook. But that does not imply I can viscerally perceive and feel the pleasure arising from a watsons personal massager?

I don't get it, I'm not trying be funny here, I just DON'T GET IT. And I know most women get it instinctively. Instead of foreseeing sharp surges of pain, they can even foresee PLEASURE? from what? what sort of pleasure?

I don't like guys in that way, okay? I like guys, but then I like them in the same way as  like my friends and family. Is there an unseen secret I'm blinded to?

But my parents don't see my absence of pleasure. They insist that I have not met the right catalyst to bring about the chemical reaction. Excuse me, no, okay? I just don't experience pleasure and happiness, okay?

Also, just because I can save does not mean I can earn.
I just save because I don't know how to spend? Really.
While normal people say " spend what, very easy what!" I am left in a thick white fog of confusion: HUH?! spend? what? spend on what?

I don't know?


oh well, oh well, oh well.

Lists, of course.

1. G, a proud overachiever in the integrated programme (not from my school though, many run this programme now), has a little paper diary chock full of her daily activities. Now i have no idea what to be in awe of, but there seems like there are two:

number ONE, her schedule looks nothing like a scatter plot diagram where a few dots pockmark her timetable. No, nothing of that sort. Her to-do list is heaving beneath the pressure of endless things planned out. There is never a dull moment in her life, even a quick glance through her diary tells it all. Her schedule is packed, to the brim, with ceaseless fun things that never seem to stop popping out one after another. Boredom? What's that? She has obviously never felt it before.

number TWO, the real stunner: Her entire diary is in KOREAN, and guess what? This isn't the product of expensive outside enrichment classes, but rather the end result of spending hours and hours watching korean dramas and variety shows! A non-systematic way of learning a language is never good, but this one-ina-million genius masters the art of the entire language 9both spoken and written_ without doing a single practice ppaer, without spending a single minute on rote memory, without taking a single exam. She. just. understands it. from.the.bittom.of.her.heart.

wow. wow. wow.

2. HP, the top scorer in a pre-tertiary institute, just comes into this world with all the necessary knowledge intact, the same way an iPhone is already equipped with the necessary apps the first time you buy one. HP reminds me of an iPhone which comes installed with Whatsapp, Viber, Facebook and candy crush even before a single download. She has installs this....embedded app in her that enables her to accurately "get" it. Yeah, she "gets" concepts effortlessly.

Does she need to resort to recitals, study sessions and readings to learn a dialect? Wow, no, according to her. "I just know how to say it". These are the words that emanated from her pair of privileged lips. No studying required, at all. The dialect words just naturally pop right out of her mouth. No mugging ever. She blinks her eyes, bats her lashes, and BOOM! out comes the fluent mastery of a foreign language.

What other supernatural apps does HP come equipped with? The ability to feel and respond, definitely. In an enclosed room with a centralised airconditioning system, she can, with 100% precision, tell when it's raining outside. (no windows!) if this isn't psychic, please tell me what is.

3. J, the top scorer from a certain autonomous reputable secondary school, aces her exam papers without sweat. And here comes something people may or may not know: There was supposedly a period of time in her teenage days where she cried for 5 hours straight every single day due to boyfriend issues. (???well, well, well...????) Wait...let's get this right here, how on earth do you shed a constant stream of tears for 5 whole hours without pausing for lulls in the flow of tears? Imagine a tap running for 5 hours. Your household tap. How much water is that man, I do wonder. Now you apply this amount of water to J's tears....Niagara falls. Waterfall would be a vast understatement here.

At least she has something in life does matters to her. Something that is so closely linked to her heart and soul. Something that is so important to her that it is capable of triggering such a torrential downpour of tears. It is incredibly difficult to produce so much tears, and if something can elicit such an intense emotional reaction, you're lucky. Lucky to be capable of feeling at least something.

Feeling deeply sad is  a sign that you have emotions, isn't it? And feeling emotions is exactly what makes you human. It is what makes life worthwhile. It is that pop of colour in an otherwise white blank space.

I have been strongly advised against such experiences as they are reportedly "not good". I was deterred from such things with the all-powerful slogan "but not all emotions are good, but not all experiences are positive". I honestly do not care if they are good, or positive. I just, from the bottom my heart, want to experience the depth of emotions and feel the sheer intensity.

Can I at least try out a slice of emotions? Please? I want to understand how profound sadness like J's actually feel like. people can describe it verbally using any vocab they wish , but I would still be left in the dark due to the ineffable nature of qualia. I can recite mechanically that sadness is what drives J to weep non stop for 5 hours, but I lack the raw experience factor that propels me to do the same.

I am left thinking, thinking and thinking about the same question: Actually, how does it feel like? Why can't I feel anything? Why doesn't anything in life even matter?

4. JM, the prestigious scholarship and double degree holder and annual dean's lister and blah blah blah blah, similarly, does not study to get all the perfect scores. Nothing comes cheap and free, but that's for the general population, not her?


  • scores straight distinctions throughout JC

  • gets Singapore's most prestigious scholarship exclusively tailored for the cream of the crop
  • gets a double degree in two of the hardest courses

  • gets a shiny deans lister award for each and every semester
  • gets a job upon graduation because of her scholarship

  • packs her schedule to the brim with endless outings with friends. today friend A, tomorrow friend B, the day after tomorrow friends CDEFG. oh.my.goodness. MY GOODNESS!

  • understands what heartbreak feels like. the necessary premise? she has been loved before, that's why she has that precious something to even lose. Well you gotta concur with me on this one. if you have never been in any relationship, can you even break up? Obviously not, because you had nothing to even begin with! Ahhhh, see my point, my darlings?

  • Well so although she does not dramatise sadness in vivid detail on social media, she revealed that her mum cried along with her when she had her first real heartbreak. How many things am I supposed to infer out of this, my dear? How many, oh how many, oh how many? She is capable of sadness, first point. And not normal sadness, but the kind that channels a flood of tears that flow like a fountain? Intense sadness, that's what she understands. Point number 2. Please refer to point #3 to see all I have to say about the merits of feeling sad. (or any other feeling, in fact)

Well, there are indeed people who feel that anything short of perfection is disastrous, simply because they have never got that accidental blemish on their spotlessly clean records. Their exams, tests, and quizzes overflow with perfect full scores. Their report cards display 100/100 for each and every subject they take, and, subsequently, ace. Even a 99/100 fails to satiate their vast and huge appetite for success, a word they are so accustomed to. Without batting an eyelid, their pens control their hands during the papers: They just KNOW what the right answers are; they simply have the answers fed like a tube into their brains. Incredible, but I do know more than 10 such perfect people out there. I know each and every one of them personally.

Incidentally, quite a number of these smartass exam takers just......."get" it. They simply understand, without stopping for a nanosecond to analyse and question, how to do and feel it.