2016年9月27日星期二

I am Super scared now. I have no idea why but I'm freaking out, anxiety and terror are gripping my insides and giving me a hell of a time.

What's wrong now? Trouble with a complicated issue. Internal strife and squabbling.

Is what I firmly believe necessarily "real"? Why won't my parents see eye to eye with me on this....

Is everyone else facing the same type of angst? Or am I the one and only person trapped in this dark corner?

2016年9月8日星期四

Many faces, one Singapore? More like many conversations, one conclusion...

When you link up all these conversations, don't you see something amiss?

Conversation A:

Colleague #1: people like us can't go and eat at buffets, not worth it.

me: why?

Colleague #1: because cannot eat!

me: huh? why cannot eat? As in, normal mealtimes you might wanna eat less, but during buffets you can eat more!

Colleague #1: but I cannot eat!

me: what you mean by "cannot eat"? As in what will happen if you swallow the food? It won't go down?

Colleague #2: Ok....have you ever felt so stuffed you cannot eat anymore?
me: that.....is deep. I gotta think. Hmm.....mmmm....er.....

Colleague #2: Ok, simpler question...have you ever felt FULL before?

me: NO!!!!!!!

Colleague #2: then are you full now?

me: no.

Colleague #2: then why don't you go eat a second bowl of curry chicken?

me: I have no money left. I spent all my money on food. Then today I have nothing left.

Conversation B:

Colleague #3: Why don't you go and buy a Prada bag too?

me: I don't have so much money.

Colleague #3: HUH? I THOUGHT YOU WORK TOO? THEN? WHERE DID YOU MONEY ALL GO?!

me: I spent them all on food.

Colleague #3: why don't you eat at cheaper places?

me: Cheap also cannot, I eat one plate of chicken rice, one plate of hokkien mee, and another double cheeseburger for lunch. then after that I will eat up another bowl of dumpling noodle soup. I focus more on quantity, not quality! I just need to swallow 5 times what normal people eat otherwise I cannot function!

Colleague #3: are you on your period or.....?

me: huh no, I every day of the month also eat so much one. Eat and eat and eat.

Conversation C:

male friend #1: why you eat so many dumplings?

me: Huh that's a lot meh? No eh, its like one third of my normal meal portion. After I finish 20 dumplings I still need to get another plate, otherwise not full.

male friend #2: er.....sorry but aren't you afraid of growing...you know......fat?
me: no Im not scared. Isnt fat curvy? yeah girls should have curves!

male friend #2: yeah but they mean curves in the right place you know.

me: I did think about it, but you see, if you grow fat all over, then the fat will INCLUDE the "right places" too? So you still gain in the right places?

Conversation D:

me: I need to ask you something I don't understand.....why do people constantly say they "can't eat" anymore? As in how does that even feel like? How do you know that you cannot eat?

colleague #4: It means that your body rejects the food la! like sometimes I go barbeque, I will say, you all eat finish, I cannot finish already.

me: So how does that feel like? Like how do you make yourself full?

colleague #4: It's just....your body doesn't want all the food! Do you always eat a lot?

me: Yeah! I had one plate of fried rice already but not full so I come and eat another plate of chicken rice.

colleague #4: do you go restaurant and eat?

me: Sometimes, but theirs is not plentiful.... So little food only.

Conversation E:

me: look, heres a photo of me and my friends at the soup spoon!

dad: wait...what? why are you posing with double servings? Your other 3 friends are all eating one bowl, why do you eat two bowls?

me: that's an understatement actually, I eat three bowls. Or else I not full.

dad: don't scare me....why don't you order more girly and feminine portions, to look good?

me: wait...how does that look like?

dad: Like, you eat less. Follow what other people eat!

me: eating less makes me look good?! Why?!?!

dad: just some advice la.

Conversation F:

me: what food did they serve in canteens last time? You don't buy food right, it's all rationed?

mum: Yeah, everyone gets the same food. They give us so much we cannot finish.

me: cannot finish?? As in how much? One bowl?

mum: Yeah one big bowl. The bowl is very big.

me: Only you cannot finish or everyone all cannot finish? Then cannot finish then how?

mum: All the girls cannot finish. Only guys can. We just throw the food away or save for dinner.
me: so you all know the secret access passcode? Every one of you university age girls knew deep down how to make yourselves full? And you can feel full to the extent that you cannot take another bite? How do you do that?

mum: I thought everyone knows how to do it?

me: What.....no??? You should have seen how much my colleagues all eat. Damn, it's a sight. They routinely take one dainty bite, and throw the entire bowl away. Not only that, they clutch their tummies and say how stuffed they are. They all know the answer which I dunno. They all know, without studying or attending tuition classes, how to feel full and even feel uncomfortably full.

mum: maybe you should go practise some yoga, it will calm your nerves and teach you how much to eat so you don't go overboard. Or is there a huge void in your heart that you cannot fill?

me: The void is not in my heart, its in my stomach! How does cannot eat feel like? I thought gravitational pull will play a part too? Like you swallow, the food will get stuck meh? Wont right! Will go down what! So see, still can eat!

Conversation G:

mum: when we were attending the military training as a secondary school students, we ate plain bread rolls. Then after that we drank water, wah. so stuffed, cannot even walk afterwards!

me (suddenly inspired): what did you just say? Can you repeat? Really? You mean that literally or....? So drinking water can us feel so full that we cannot even walk? Gosh, how amazing! My goodness, its that simple are you sure? Really can feel soooooo full?

mum: Yeah but it is not a good feeling. why would you want to feel so stuffed?

me: Stuffed is too far a goal for me. How about we just focus on full. I don't experience satiety.

Conversation H:

me: I just keep eating and eating and eating and eating. I eat the tom yam pasta, then I ate aglio oglio. Then after eating aglio oglio, I still not full. So I ended up eating noodles.

male friend: you are not pregnant are you?

female friend #1: Yeah, are you pregnant?

me: noooo! lol I wish I can get pregnant lol!

female friend #2: lol you wish you were pregnant?

me: how to get pregnant lol, you tell me!

male friend: you might want to google how to get pregnant, just to be sure you don't end up pregnant accidentally. better be safe.

female friend #2: are you stressed? why are you binge eating?

me: actually is not binge eating eh, I just damn hungry. Binge eating is hen you continue to eat after you feel full. The first premise I not there, I DON'T FEEL FULL!

Conversation I:

male friend: You know, I think you have a monster in your stomach. You eat, then the monster eat what you eat. That's why you can eat a lot.

me: woah you eat less than me.

male friend (stares at my upsized chicken rice): yeah, I should think so.


2016年9月4日星期日

why do I love you...don't even want to...why do Iove you likeI always do?

Nope, the title isn't directed at a person, rather, its directed at the super-efficient CPF Board who surpassed my expectations in each and every way. So this morning I was all ready to top up my CPF account(aka make voluntary contributions as a self employed tuition teacher ). I foresaw highly frustrating queues, inefficient bureaucracy, and a whole lot of convulated explanations before getting redirected to the right department. That's what happens when offices are entrapped in a system of sheer inefficiency. But no. I spent 0.5 seconds in the queue, and my chequebook was processed within...2 minutes? It's really THAT fast.

Horror stories are aplenty. People talk about how long they had to play candy crush while waiting in line. They lament the irritatingly long queues at any government agency. But I guess I was just lucky this once then. I have genuinely never, ever, encountered a 2-minute processing time. My gosh.

Singaporeans are way too quick. Too efficient. And fair. Meritocratic.

Love you Singapore, happy 51st birthday!

2016年8月22日星期一

Teaching university accounting in a tuition centre is so much fun :)
What should I buy myself for my birthday?

2016年8月5日星期五

HUH? WHAT IS CANNOT EAT ANY MORE? I THOUGHT YOU SWALLOW THE FOOD WILL STILL GO DOWN ONE?

To 17-18 year olds, I am that all-powerful magical potion which exhibits strong A-grade-procurement powers upon ingestion. (well at least I hope so). Just because I can draw benzene rings, write reaction mechanisms, and figure out how to make dy/dx =0? Just because I can type out essays on their iPads (hey that's a great invention cuz default laptop keyboards are really horrible- they don't autocorrect your haphazard ways of typing fast and furious should vocab stream out from your mind)? Just because I know the word " cornucopia"? Just because I said it's interchangeable with the other cliché word " plethora"?

But I do know for sure that I'm that huge clumsy particle barred from entering a partially permeable membrane (knowing how this works qualifies me only as a lower secondary science tutor, dear. not something to gloat over) with no access into the other mysterious side.

How do normal people know how to feel full after eating? Do they suddenly see flashes of aura visible only to them, indicating with beams of coloured light that their stomachs are full? Do they hear the twinkling of wind chimes in their heads when the stomach capacity is about to exceed? Do they see beyond the visible spectrum of light, or hear beyond the audible range of frequencies?


Person Y claims that she finished an entire jar of peanut butter and her tummy aches. She had to clutch at her belly cuz it ached. That only shows that she is perfectly capable of feeling full, of feeling stuffed, and of feeling uncomfortably stuffed. The one and only way you can feel "ache" from a full tummy is of course, to fill that your tummy in the first place. But how do you even know when it is full? What gauge do you rely on?

Person M ate a seven course dinner, and she is " so full that she cannot walk". wait, just hang on a second. how do you even reach that point of satiety when walking becomes impossible? How full do you have to get for that to occur? I don't get it. I might lie and pretend to, but I don't feel it. I'm sorry, I really cannot comprehend it from a concrete level, only an abstract one. Feeling full is already impossible, how do you even feel full to the extent that you cannot walk?

Person HP routinely demonstrates a clear understanding of satiety. She just " gets' the concept. She understands how to stop eating and clutch at her tummy. She eats only soya bean and a little plate of veggies. And she still survives. Wow. When I'm raving about how delicious the food is and attempting to dump all 3 plates down my gullet.

Person P is also aware of it. It is a natural mother tongue to her linguistic processing unit. She just effortlessly feels stuffed without even trying. Well at least I don't see her trying(?) All she has to do, guys, is to swallow three mouthfuls of porridge to be full. What, does she survive on solar power?

Guys, just because I bagged home an A for general paper does not preclude me from sheer ignorance. I honestly cannot understand how to feel full after eating. My tummy is such a big black hole that nonstop shovelling of nacho fillet o fish, tom yam pasta, chilli crab down cannot fill it up. It is a constant state of emptiness that perpetually drives me to eat 3 lunches a day. And each lunch is supersized and carbohydrate-laden or my tummy will growl like a marine animal audibly for all to hear.

Well of course I could be dishonest and lie to the whole world how 'full' I am. I could rely on logic to mechanically deduce that I SHOULD be full after eating one plate. I could pretend to be in the know of some deeply hidden secret, I could use the word "full" correctly like a perfect English scholar. I could abide by commonly accepted social conventions and purposely lie that I am " uncomfortably stuffed" after clearing 3 plates. I could refrain from ordering second and third plates at hawker centres. But isn't lying morally wrong? And why would I do that? It cannot cover up the fact that I am too dizzy from hunger to focus on anything?

Not as if I didn't try? Person P got to experience the wonders of satiety (to the extent of clutching her tummy) simply by following the porridge diet, so I gingerly followed suit one fine day during lunch. No? Porridge didn't serve any purpose in filling my tummy up? Its not even filling to say the least?

The clinical definition of a binge eater is eating beyond feeling full. I clearly do not fit into it. Because I don't even know what is feeling full. I have never been full before, let alone get uncomfortably stuffed till I cannot take another bite. I am forever eating mcDouble burgers and nacho fillet o fish burgers. If not those, then aglio oglio ( I eat about two plates of that for lunch, then perhaps another plate for my mid afternoon snack since I'd get famished in no time)

You tell me, what to do?


2016年7月21日星期四

Hey I'm back wooohoooooooo ok I've quite a lot to be happy about; let me recite them in the form of s little bullet list...


  • Ok so doing China audit has exposed me to so many technical terms. Yay and I'm actually teaching all the financial statement items to my parents who have a newfound passion for financial analysis. Hence the immediate need to read financial statements. Yay to a new job of mime :D : D 
  • In a bizarre displacement reaction, I displaced the previous science tutor who couldn't establish a close rapport with her student. As an English tutor I can't believe I replaced the science one as well. So now twice a week XD that shows if you're a stronger reducing Sheng you get to kick out those weaker reducing agents. Yay. 
  • Wait why was I so incredibly happy? Hmmmmmmm maybe cuz I caught up with Jc Hwa Chong friends in CBD area? Yep ever so politically correct R. Working as a lawyer. 

2016年5月14日星期六

the funny private tutor thinks in chinese today

在所有的置换反应中,总得有那么一个可怜巴巴的“观望者” (中文是这么翻译吗?),自始至终只是扮演一个花瓶的角色, 一动不动地坐在一旁冷眼旁观这一·切的变化。无论是被还原的金属离子,还是被氧化的金属, 至少他们都有一个共同点: 参与过反应。他们在电子的交换中参与过,无论是被氧化也好,还原也罢:好歹都知道什么是反应。 这可就一点都不像默默存在着的酸根离子: 反应之前坐在那儿不动; 反应完了还在那儿一动不动,这不是根本没有参与吗!到时候写离子方程式的时候,直接看见酸根离子丝毫没有改变,毫不犹豫的给划掉了。 在简化版的离子方程式中,你只能看见两个金属互相氧化还原的过程,丝毫见不着酸根离子半点儿存在价值。

可怜的酸根离子,只能作为置身局外的旁观者,却不能插足。只能观赏者绚丽多彩的一切,却自己无法参与。 化学反应本来应该是如此的缤纷多彩,但”无法参与“这四个字却导致了一片空白。

我特别忌讳,特别不希望,特别想逃脱的就是酸根离子“ 空白“ 这个概念。我一直都希望知道这一切究竟是怎么回事。

可是, 这些欢快地参与种种反应的活泼金属,似乎有个不可告人的小秘密,将深不可测的秘密暗暗地埋藏在阴暗处,害怕将其曝光在光天化日之下。为什么呢?还真不知道 。

某个年龄跟我差不多的女孩,无论是星期六还是星期天,行程表永远是塞得满满当当的。中午去老板家跟同事小聚,晚上又有夜店等场所等着跟朋友会面。 没有一丝一毫的间隔, 没有空去无聊,没有空去空虚。星期天的事情也挺多的:不是跟这个逛街购物,就是和那个出去庆祝生日。

于是, 当我处于好奇问了下怎么回事,为什么一直有事情做,为什么不用担心没事干,你猜她怎么回答的?

” 我也不知道呀,人家就是一直约我呀!这我怎么知道呀!“

。。。。。???????

这是回答吗?这是什么回答?我可不会这么文不对题的回答任何问题。 要是问我,我肯定老老实实的回答,” 我自己事先把学生都安排好,确保一个跟下一个之间没有空档,要是还有时间,那我可以找以前的同事或者同学出去呀,就这么简单。” 什么叫“ 我也不知道呀”???? 这是什么话,用来敷衍的,对吗?

可是,不仅是这位贵妇人以这种心态思考,这种心态的神人还真多。为什么是“神人”呢?因为他们似乎都知道一个我不知道的秘密。似乎有这么一个外语,他们不费吹灰之力就熟悉了语法,通用一切的成语及俗语,一眨眼功夫记住了海量的外语单词,都已经成他们的母语了。 可是他们的母语,对我而言就是外语,我得仔细去思考每一句话,研究没一句的措辞结构才结结巴巴的说出口。这,不是一个我耳熟能详的语言,是一个需要费劲脑筋明白的一门外语。不过, 似乎她们不认为这是外语,脑子想都不用想就说的那么流畅!!!!!

“疲劳”对我认识的人来说,就是一个母语。他们从小就深深地体会到这个所谓很容易理解的单词。他们有的是办法: 只要扫扫地,洗洗碗,擦擦桌子,就累的能睡着觉了。要不然,那就是: 只要晚上多看了几个小时的电视,那也拥有通往睡眠大地的通行证了。睡不着?他们怎么可能睡不着呢?一天到晚安排的大大小小活动足以填满他们的一天,准能睡着!

唯有我一个人,从小到大,一到晚上就是困惑不解的开端:为什么人家都睡得那么香,唯独我一个人不知道怎么睡得着呢?我尝试过,问。我的的确确问过那些睡眠不成问题的人: 你们统统都能睡得着, 这是为什么呀!你们用了什么先进的技术,进口的草药,帮助睡眠吗?

你猜猜他们怎么说的?

“闭上眼睛不就能睡着了吗!”

大家的口碑出奇的一致,就没有一个人敢站出来,说出来,分享出来。我,就这样活活被蒙蔽了超过二十年。每一天,我都观察到他们的所作所为:白天的时候,像个小蜜蜂一样的忙着忙那。。。。。 具体忙什么呢我一点都不知道!我真的不知道!真的!同样的班级,同样的科目,同样的老师, 同样的作业,我三下五除二就把作业做完了,所有正常的人齐刷刷的统一需要好几个小时完成。 (...??????)

我一直都观察到了这一点,好几年了,我每次一把作业做完心里本应高兴,可是却一点也高兴不起来,一点也笑不出来,为什么呢?我总觉得心里发毛,觉得有个无形的力量操控着我,99%的人需要数小时完成作业,那这是“正常”的,可我呢,肯定有一个地方跟其他人不一样,才导致了我不到一小时就完成了。我越想,就越觉得事有蹊跷,这里头肯定藏着肉眼看不到的猫腻!一次两次三次也不足以形成太大的问题,可这是什么, 你们看看!从初级学院开始我就注意到了事情明显的不对劲: 人家熬夜到凌晨才做完作业,我却不到一小时给做完了,这也太奇怪了吧??!?! 是的, 如果你们说多做作业就可以 累的迅速入睡,这里有我也心服口服了。可现在病因,不已经完完全全的展现在面前了吗?我压根儿没事干, 没事做,才导致精神头儿十足,无法入睡呀!

我早就注意到这里头隐藏着巨大无比的猫腻,我就坦白的列出几个实实在在的事情给你们看看! 我都不知道自己是不是有阴魂缠着!17,18 岁我们大家都有相同的作业,可是我只要一拿起笔和纸,几笔划数学作业就做完了。不就两页纸的作业吗!有什么做不完的!可事实证明, 我的思想完全就是错误的,我眼睁睁的盯着其他比较正常的人一路给拖到了傍晚才完成, 完成了还加上几句,“ 啊啊!好累呀!累死我了!” 我心里彻底不明白这一切怎么回事,才两页纸,随便做做也就做完了,怎么还有“做不完”的概念在里头?肯定是哪里,我的理解出现了本质上的错误,可知错误究竟在哪里,我浑然不知,我不是装糊涂,我是真真实实的不理解就在我眼前的一幕幕:他们也没比我得到更多的题目呀,凭什么他们可以有事做,而且还可以将整下午填满? 我做完作业又没事干了,自己找乐子去吧!

不只是数学,英文,物理, 化学一样的使我心中的困惑越来越深,至今无法解开:大家只要一天的作业超过3们科目,纷纷知道这件事应该很累。他们就是骨子里明白“累”, 他们就是有这么一个概念,什么叫“有很多事情做”? 于是,只要有一叠作业摆在眼前,他们个个得坐在书一天, 有的时候甚至一整夜,为何?因为他们统统说“ 作业太多, 做不完!” 我已经不止一次的惊叹他们的生活,每时每刻都有事情做,不像我,我眼睛看着一叠作业,拿起笔就马上做,不到半个小时就完成了呀!怎么回事?真的, 怎么回事?出了什么问题吗?

于是, 我自动自发的模仿者能睡着的人,他们每天干些什么,做些什么, 想些什么。 我心中打不开的谜团,就是:他们做的跟我一模一样,都是作业,都是一模一样的作业,可为什么人家一直连续不断都有事情做,独独我一眨眼功夫就做完了呢?这不像话!那我的任务完成了究竟该做什么好呀~

没有人认认真真地叫我怎样让自己累的迅速睡着,他们自顾自的宣称。“ 可我就是能睡着呀!睡着有啥大不了的!谁都会呀!” 好像他们的武功很高明,传授出有损自己的竞争力一样。

难道是他们都上了一个补习班,偷偷的学会了怎么睡着觉?这补习班恰好被我错过了,结果造就了一辈子的悔恨呀!

一坐下来就有源源不断的事情做,一躺下来就能立刻打好几个哈欠,一打哈欠立马打瞌睡,以迅雷不及掩耳之势百米冲刺到梦乡,这就是他们。

一坐下来就把同样的事情一分钟做完,接下来望着那一望无际的空白消磨时间。一躺下来就眼巴巴的等待着“累”这个字找上我,接下来羡慕无比的看着周围的人纷纷睡着,这就是我。

。。。。???????
??????
????????????????!!!!!!!!!