It's nobody fault (yeah it's the stars' fault, pun intended) that the world is not a wish granting factory.
Just like how my images on Instagram are super saturated, I sincerely hope to make my life saturated with colour too. What do you see on Instagram? Beautiful things. Beautiful experiences such as crimson-red sunsets, prussian blue pools, azure blue skies, and golden specks of the liquid molten sun as it goes down the horizon. These are not what I feel in my daily life. These are what I WISH to experience but don't.
A certain INFP acquaintance I know was listening to a beautiful wedding song she's going to play for her upcoming wedding, and she started tearing. I bet she won't remain dry-eyed on her big day, seeing how she was so moved by the sheer beauty of her best friend's wedding that she, as a wedding guest, bawled her beautiful eyes out watching her march down the aisle. Well, go ahead and let emotions take over then. I applaud you for that. To have a soft heart in a cruel world is a strength, not a weakness!
Obviously, INTJs love to try. So out of curiosity, I did search for her song.
No, not a single tear. I understand the lyrics but they are not emotional enough to make me tear like she did. I don't know how to leap into a deep pool of pure emotion and just bathe in it. I crave that emotional depth and intensity, but it's not coming to me.
So yes, that INFP friend is experiencing love in technicolour. Thinking of the sheer beauty of love, the sheer beauty of marriage and all the romance in her life sensitises her heart to feelings. She is so receptive to hidden nuances of emotion that even a simple wedding song can make her tear up. This shows that she has felt love before. If you haven't felt love before, how would you understand what it's like?
She, as an INFP, sees the crimson-red sunsets, prussian blue pools, azure blue skies, and golden specks of the liquid molten sun as it goes down the horizon. (Yes, plagiarism check please. I copied from one of my previous paragraphs). She has seen the best side of herself in wedding gowns, and in the realm of dating. She lives and breathes a world full of life and love. And hope.
I'm not an INFP. Although I fantasise about being one. I'm neither an INFP nor an INFJ, but seeing the world behind such introverted emotional lenses would enable me to amp up on the saturation factor. Not that I'm in any way fierce, mean or harsh, but I don't feel as much as I wish I could.
She's not the only one whose heart has experienced the most intense, the most passionate of all feelings. There are countless INFPs and INFJs in this world whose tear-drenched eyes have seen the most beautiful of things which laymen like us can't see. They are capable of viscerally and deeply feeling the emotions behind each love song.
Because they have been loved before.
No INFP or INFJ is able to give me a precise instruction pamphlet stating how to achieve such emotional states like how you press the buttons on a rice cooker to make it work. Nobody is able to do that. The world is not a wish granting factory. Emotions are not gift boxes wrapped in dainty pink ribbons for display in shop windows, with shop assistant quoting a price for you. Such experiences are not available for sale. You don't pay a price and bring the whole gift box home and unwrap it to your delight. No, it does not work that way.
As a teaching ENFJ, I don't believe that " It's either you get it or you don't", because learning can play a huge role in determining where you end up. I believe in upward mobility. Clearly, there must be a way. There has to be.
Although INFPs can't teach me, this semi ENFJ-INTJ amalgam, the route to success, I can figure out the way by myself. What does the INFP feel every day? Prior to feeling the beautiful swells of emotion upon listening to wedding songs, and watching her best friend get married, she must have felt a myriad of little things before she even got here.
She must have felt how it's like to hold a guy's hand and stroll down Orchard Road, how it's like to have midnight talks while lying comfortably in her boyfriend's arms, how it's like to have body contact with the opposite sex. She must have understood (instinctively?) how to have her first kiss (under the moonlight or otherwise) , how to have all the subsequent kisses, how to french kiss, how to engage in heavy petting, and what erotic love can give her that simple platonic friendship cannot. She understands love.
I bet she can feel what I don't, simply because she has done what I haven't. My mantra that "love is emotional and not physical" has probably (?) destroyed my life. I ruined my life all on my own.
I see INFPs and INFJs who leap into a gigantic whirlpool of feelings. And I exclaim to myself, "having feelings is so beautiful". I say to myself, "feelings are what make life worth living". But if thats the case, why am I not doing what is needed to give myself feelings? Can you do something like she did? Can I replicate the hand-holding, the kissing, the heavy petting, and the final act of mating? Can I open a new door to an alternate reality by doing the above?
If I continue to act like a nun, I will never feel the sheer beauty of a wedding. I will never bawl my eyes out over love songs or weddings. Because I'm not fully understanding romantic love in all its glory.
There's a way to become an INFP. There definitely is. Nobody is responsible for giving me feelings. I am the role one in charge. I must give myself feelings.
